To All Manhattan Bathrooms I've Loved Before

How to find great public restrooms in the Big Apple

There are eight million stories in the naked city and just over a thousand public restrooms scattered throughout it. No, seriously. 8.4 million people live in New York City and less than 1,200 real, working bathrooms exist. It’s a problem that touches on everything from classism to ageism and highlights a myriad of issues that often falls on small business owners to have to contend with. When you walk into an establishment and there’s a sign that says the bathroom is for customers only, or, worse, there’s supposedly no restroom in the place at all, it’s easy to get angry—especially if you’ve really got to go. But when you’re finally in a better place after doing your business and you really start thinking about the lack of available bathrooms in this city, hopefully you conclude that it doesn’t have to be this way. We should all have a place to go. Not a place where everybody knows your name and people are all the same—you just want a quiet and clean place to pee.

Alas, that’s not how things are. For now, anyway. Cities like New York have mile-long lists of other problems to fix that, let’s face it, they likely will never get around to addressing. It would be nice to imagine that one day there will be bathrooms for all, but I’m not holding my breath. That’s why I take such great pleasure in finding great public restrooms in Manhattan. It is truly one of my favorite hobbies and I take as much joy in mentioning where the good bathrooms are as I do in telling people where to eat.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for not being one of those people that goes “Ew. He’s talking about toilets. Gross.” I promise this is simply a loving tribute to a very simple pleasure and I will try my hardest to not make any jokes that would make a 2nd grader laugh. No poop jokes, I promise!

There’s something really invigorating about walking down a street in Manhattan and then walking into a place just to use its very nice bathroom. I’ve got my favorites. Obviously, ones that have an art deco feel stand out as landmarks in my mind. I figure I eat at P.J. Clarke’s enough that if I’m in the area I can stop in to use the loo. The bathroom at the Hotel Chelsea is even better if I’m being honest. I walk into it and I say a little thanks that they didn’t modernize it when the new owners took over.

But then there are the other spots that feel more like an oasis and less like temples to 1930s glamour. Restaurants are usually the best way to go. You just pull the old “I see my friend at the bar,” or just ignore the host and wave like you see a friend and just head to the bathroom. I’ve got maps in my head that lead straight to the bathroom in at least two-dozen restaurants scattered across Manhattan. When I walk out, not only do I feel refreshed, but it’s like I pulled a fast one on somebody. It’s not a crime, but I suppose somebody could have stopped me and said no, I wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom. And thinking about that brings me a little joy.

Restaurants and bars always make for a great urban rest stop, but there are areas and times of the day it isn’t always possible to find those places. The law is “If a food service establishment has 20 or more seats and opened after 1977, it must provide a toilet for its customers. All other food service establishments are exempt from this requirement.” So let’s say you’re in an area like Chinatown or Midtown where a lot of places might be smaller and don’t have any seats or the retail stores outnumber restaurants. Bodegas or slice spots usually are a no, and even Starbucks, one of the most famous and reliable places to use the bathroom, has more than a few locations with less than 20 seats and no restroom. That’s where the hotel comes in.

Yes, this city is lousy with plenty of ugly and overpriced shitholes that best serve the local community as being, well, shitholes. I’ve found that there’s an interesting way things even out in so areas where restaurant bathrooms might not tend to have more than a few hotel bathrooms that are almost always located on the first floor and you don’t need a key card to access. If you do have to take an elevator, it’s almost more likely than not the key card won’t be needed for the floor with a public bathroom—at least during the day. The night might be trickier. And what’s best, especially if you’re the type of person who gets nervous about sneaking into a place to use the bathroom (you shouldn’t have to feel this way, but I get why people do), I suggest making a game out of it. Put on some sunglasses and use a fake French or Italian accent. If anybody approaches you, smile and nod, tell them “I make-a the pee” and just keep walking.