Zohran Mamdani's Bagel Order

The truth we need to hear

I promise I’m not turning The Melt into a political newsletter, but as we approach the upcoming mayoral primaries in New York City, I can’t help but say that I’m giddy like a schoolboy getting a bar of chocolate with the prospect of some actual change taking place, and the hope that the most worthless flesh sack of organs to run the city will be ushered out of office. God, Eric Adams has been a disaster. The city has been a mess since he took office, and sure, you can blame his predecessor or the pandemic for some of that, but the idea is a leader is supposed to fix those things while also adding their own improvements for the city. Adams has done basically nothing except (accidentally) end up the funniest mayor in the history of the city, and being funny doesn’t lower the rent or make the trains safer. It’s been rough, but I feel like this upcoming election at least has a few candidates who could get things done.

The one that people in my, uh, cohort, tend to be throwing their weight behind is Zohran Mamdani. He’s young, progressive, gets how to use social media without being annoying, AOC endorsed him, he’s got a nice beard, and the New York Post seems to really hate him. Seems like a fun guy. You should read more about him, especially if you live in NYC and researching for who you’ll cast your vote for. Maybe you like him and his ideas, maybe you don’t. But there is one crucial detail missing from the platform section on Mamdani’s website, and I think it’s an important one.

This isn’t what’s going to get me to rank somebody at the top of my ticket, but wow, I love his bagel order. First, it’s simple. He told the New York Times that he goes with a poppy seed bagel with scallion cream cheese is a solid pairing, and he didn’t pander to the Jewish vote by adding something like “I like a light schmear.” Then there’s the orange juice. Tropicana is the only right answer here; get away from me with that fresh-squeezed junk. I would give this a resounding Dayenu as it stands, but then Mamdani added something he didn’t have to disclose, but he still did it despite knowing he might lose some votes: he likes it toasted. This is such a brave and self-assured thing to say, that I can only tip my hat to Mr. Mamdani. Most candidates end up looking like somebody who just moved here from Sioux City yesterday, just as Cynthia Nixon did with her horrific lox and cream cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel at Zabar’s in 2018 or Andrew Cuomo when he recently said that he definitely, truly walks into his local bodega in the morning and orders a classic New York City-style bacon, cheese and egg on an English muffin. Because that’s the thing everybody here gets for breakfast and the exact way they order it (wink wink, nod nod).

I hate the anti-toasting thing. It’s silly. The idea, as I understand it, is the bagel is supposed to be so fresh that you don’t need it toasted. But can you remember the last time you got a good, hot bagel straight from the oven? It happens, but it’s usually a fluke. And the idea itself feels like one of those things people start thinking or saying because they want to seem legit, yet as far as I can tell, the whole “No toasting” thing really picked up steam because of Murray’s Bagels. And despite the old-school-sounding name, Murray’s isn’t owned by a guy named Murray, it opened in 1996, and they dropped the rule in 2015. H&H, which opened in 1972, ended up part of a plot on an episode of Seinfeld, went bankrupt in 2011, and was eventually bought by people who probably thought the name had cultural cache almost 30 years after the episode aired. And maybe it does since that’s also the episode that hipped the world to Festivus, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’d just as rather eat the egg slop Dunkin serves at the airport and skip the sad excuse for a bagel H&H sells hungry travelers.

Sure, the subways are a mess, ICE is harassing immigrants, landlords are allowed to keep storefronts empty in hopes of luring some big-money client to occupy their space instead of a smaller local business, and tall buildings keep going up, but somehow there’s still a housing crisis. Those are all big issues whoever (hopefully, G-D willing) replaces Adams will have to deal with, but a campaign is also about getting a message out, and whether he meant to or not, Zohran Mamdani has done a lot to help us toasted bagel lovers, feel like we’re not alone.